December 27 – 31, 2013
As another difficult calendar year comes to an end, I find myself thinking out loud, reflecting on, several relationships in my life that may have run their course, perhaps a long time ago. There is little or no animosity (left) for me in this process. What remains, however, is some sadness. A sadness that reminds me of why I was so hurt in my last romantic-love-relationship: A relationship with me was not worth that person’s effort, time or energy, in terms of talking about, and getting through, the hard-shit. Notice I say the relationship was not worth it to him, not ‘I’ wasn’t worth it. Because I know better, than to believe that shite, at this juncture.
These other relationships I speak of are so similar, in that it feels as though to some, a friendship with me, is not worthy of any maintenance efforts, the maintenance that any meaningful relationship requires. Again, little or no animosity, or resentment, just reflection and sadness. Many of these relationships sustained me through some very difficult, as well as some amazingly fantastic times, and I am, often to my own detriment, eternally(?) loyal. To these folks, who had some instrumental role in my survival of self, in my evolution, but whose (mutual?) benefit and utility have devolved to what now amounts to a false allegiance, and creates suffering, for me. Not by virtue of any fault on anyone’s part, rather due to the divergence of our respective paths, and by virtue of changes to our internal and external geographies. And while I understand, on a profoundly deep level, what I must do, in order to honour self and my friendship needs, it is difficult to let these people go. I am tempted to hang on, again, with nail-beds bleeding from my over-extended grasp, and a number of potential fears come to mind about where my struggle originates. I do not fear change in and of itself, it has been the only constant in my life to date. I do not fear a void requiring filling, essentially, they have been absent, neglectful, for some time, some for several years. So I am curious, about what the struggle is, but not enough to keep me stuck here. Perhaps by letting go, I will create the window I need, to see…
What I actually believe to be at the core of it, is the mind-numbing realization that I have truly blown myself wide open, and understand what I need more than ever before, during my tenure to date, in this life and persona. I understand that via the very process of opening, the path has narrowed, again. There is only enough space on it for co-adventurers whose intellectual, spiritual, physical and emotional needs, and world views, are in closer alignment with my own, than at any point in time previous to this one. This does not mean that my mind and worlds are closing to other perspectives, ways of being and believing, it means that I recognize the core of me, now, at this moment in time. It means that I can only provide space in my immediate circle for those who will help me keep it, the core of me, safe. Safe, while I function in and navigate the vast and diversified roads and worlds of my life’s works and passions. Worlds laden with conflict and human suffering, individual and systemic oppressions of every heinous ilk and variety. Safe, and loved. Fed, not hungry and suffering, for my truth and passions. Here it is again, hey Pema Chodron? That entire fear-truth-letting-go-of-attachment-and-permanence-thing, I say that smiling, broadly, and with eyes, heart, wide open.
It feels allright though, really, it feels better than that, it feels like me, 100% Marcela: Unfiltered.
For the coming New Year I resolve:
1) to keep, welcome, in(to) my life and the spaces I occupy, only that and those whom nourish and sustain well and dignify, my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit, my soul.
2) See 1.
That is all.