Like so many of the warrior women I know and love, my life has been rich with experience. Seemingly unattainable goals accomplished, despite (or because of) immense barriers and roadblocks. And it has been fraught with battles of my own and others’ making, many from which I did not emerge victorious, was deeply wounded, and left for dead. There have been times during which I was so broken that I was dispossessed of the capacity to enjoy anything or anyone I love. There have been times during which my pain coloured everything muddy, dark, like when all the water colours on a painting run together. The past was a dirty brush which tainted my present and future. To love someone to the core, and be loved by them, to the core, knowing that the only decision remaining is for us to travel alone, for a while, or for longer, is the epitome of bittersweet. This pain is like no other pain I have ever felt. To feel it at this stage of my human evolution is like no other experience I have ever had. I have no guide, I have no barometer, I have nothing but self, as it should be. This pain is clear, its edges are sharp, and it is single-minded in purpose, in that it is bereft of all that does not belong to it. And it is ever-present. The difference between those muddy, dark times and now, is that while this pain is unrelenting, and at times the wave is fierce, so am I, and I know I will not drown, that the tears will subside again, and until the next wave, I will glide on smoother waters, enjoying the view, in all its clarity and sharpness, from the life raft I am.
June 28, 2016