The truth is:
There is no permanent affliction or injury
physical; emotional or psychological,
sustained in the day to day sport of human living.
The truth is:
There are only innings, periods, heats and quarters
of battle, endurance, triumph or loss
in this game called life.
The Truth is:
the ether or some mystical inhabitant of it
keeps not, (y)our score of wins or losses, deserved and not
you and I, solely, are umpire, referee, and judge.
The truth is:
There is no permanent affliction
physical, emotional or psychological
only Game Changers
permanence and winning are a Lie.
So play the game
play it well,
play it now.
May 03, 2019.
An intruder has taken up squatter’s rights in my body.
Whether microbial, myco-toxic, fungal or parasitic (all four?)
in nature, it is fucking me up but good: my hair is falling out,
there are moments during which I feel like I'm going to have a
seizure any minute, I can't feel my limbs half the time and the
other half it feels like something is crawling around inside them,
or biting me, from the inside out. My kidneys hurt all the time,
my vision has taken a beating, it is blurry half the time,
my eyes are pinned all the time, and I see floating spots
every time I blink. I have a constant 'cold,' I am in physical
pain all the time, it ‘travels,’ my ears ring most of the time,
I sound like a crack whore, I have had a tooth (molar) removed
because my (awesome) dentist and I thought maybe the numbness
was because of that, way back in December, when things first
started. That hole in my mouth severely impacts my ability to
eat certain things and the way I talk. I talk for a living.
I have been treated (to the tune of what is adding up to
thousands of dollars) by my (awesome) naturopath for (potential)
mold/mycotoxin illness and parasites, gotten rid of furniture I
can’t afford to replace because potential mycotoxins, taken more
(unpaid) time off work, lost too much income, to travel and see
the most useless doctor on earth almost weekly for pretty much 5
months (here, have some anti-anxiety meds and/or pain killers…
no, thank you anyway…), and everything I have/am experiencing
points to Lyme, or some other bacterial/parasitic/fungal thing,
but she does ‘not believe’ in that, ‘does not have time’ for 20
different things, symptoms ( but that’s how Lyme, and other less
common microbes work in the human body) in one visit or 40,
couldn’t be bothered to test for anything outside her limited
box, and literally gets (intimidation) uppity when I mention
anything I have talked about (including Lyme) with other health
The list of her endless negligence and tyranny toward me is so
big and hurts so bad I can’t even go there. It is safe to say
that other than pregnancy when they said I couldn’t, I have
never hoped for a ‘positive’ test result from a healthcare
professional in my life, until now. The walk-in doc I saw in
Nanaimo last week gave me no useful news yesterday, and won’t
take me on as a patient because he’s leaving that clinic anyway…
but he did give me the name of another doc there, and I managed
to get an appointment with her for next week. In keeping with
the recurring theme in my life, none of this is straightforward
and it might even go way back to something I may have picked up
working at the hospital in Duncan about 3 years ago, remember the
Hashimotos thyroid thing (?), and I will continue to work with my
naturopath, who unlike the ex-GP, is not intimated by other
perspectives, mainstream medicine or the folks in it,
she believes they should all work in a complimentary and
collaborative way. Yeah, me too, but it feels like that is
so far away from what we have that it borders on wishful
thinking and we all know how I feel about that shit.
I am not giving up, while at the same time,
working extraordinarily hard not to let my anger
and hurt consume me, for it is not productive,
harms me more, and attempting to regain some measure of life
quality, while working full time (there is very little choice
here) in a field and area of said field, which requires my full
physical, mental and psychological acuity. I am out of energy,
out money and out of credit, but I repeat, more to hear it myself
than for your benefit, I am not giving up.
She is a brutal fucking bitch at times, this game called life,
and she is in a particularly bitch-slappy mood at this juncture.
What she doesn’t know however, is that at least in this very
moment, right here, right now, so am I.
~Marcela: Battling, unwell, wielding all power toward
living, for survival is no longer an option I am inclined to
Illness: 5 (months, maybe years…)
Marcela: 1 (tenous)
GP: Useless but winning, because safely swathed, in God-like
white coat, and unbeknownst to her, fired.
PS: Please, oh please, spare me the ‘you got this,’ and any
manner of ‘positive energy’ and other platitudes. And please,
oh please, respect my beliefs by not, under any circumstances
praying for my Atheistic-Realist soul, in the same way I don't
atheist all over your posts/struggles/issues/triumphs...
for the only defense I have left for this manner of
un-helpfulness, is delete and block. No tackle left for
bullshit, not a smidge. Comments the likes of ‘this sucks ass,’
are so much more meaningful, as are none at all, if positivity
and prayer are all you know how to do to support someone in pain.
PPS: If I have to 'deal,' with whatever is eating me alive,
I will do it wearing cherries and polka-spots...